Why We’re Moving to Idaho
After years of island life, endless sunsets, and shirts that say “Come Out & Play,” we’ve realized something shocking: Hawaii is simply too gay for us. Which is why, as of today, Because Hawaii is officially relocating… to Idaho.
We were looking for somewhere with less ocean, fewer shirtless men, and zero drag brunches, and wouldn’t you know it—Boise just spoke to us. Not literally (Idaho doesn’t do sass), but spiritually. Like a buffalo whisper.
The updated brand identity.
We’re rebranding the whole thing:
New tagline: Because Idaho… is not just a state, it’s a spud-fed mind.
New t-shirt designs: flannel-themed slogans like “Masculinity: Never Question It.”
Game nights will now feature things like “Guess That Bible Verse” and “Which Tractor Is That?”
We’re also replacing all rainbow colors with a tasteful palette of beige, brown, and “disappointment gray.”
And yes—we’ve already secured our new venue. It’s a charming converted silo just outside of a Cracker Barrel, with room for 12 folding chairs, a butter churn, and one taxidermy moose we’ve named Glenda. The moose is technically the mayor.
As for merch, we’re launching a new clothing line called Straight-Laced™. Our first drop includes:
A gender-neutral shirt that says “I’d rather be fishing than processing emotions.”
A hoodie that automatically locks when you try to watch “RuPaul’s Drag Race.”
And cargo pants with so many pockets, even your feelings can’t find you.
We’ve also partnered with a local Idaho distillery to produce our first exclusive drink: “Sad Whiskey.” It’s unflavored, unfiltered, and comes with a small note that says, “Good luck.”
And to be clear—we’re not abandoning the gays entirely. We’ll have a secret monthly gathering in a barn that requires a secret knock (four beats of “Vogue” followed by a dramatic sigh). But otherwise, it’s just potatoes and patriotism from here on out.
